Dear Amai

God knows how much i love and appreciate you. You are more than just a mother to me. I love that we talk and laugh like best friends. You are my best friend.
I love how you always have my back and support me in every single thing that i do. There will never be another person like you in my life. You have showed me the greatest love ever and you have cared for me from day one. I appreciate that.

You are so selfless and i admire that about you. You are the most beautiful and kindest person i know and i thank God for you. I guess it’s true when they say God couldn’t be everywhere therefore, he gave us mothers. You are truely a blessing .

You have allowed me to be my own person and you still love me the way i am. Where else can i get such love? Thank you for providing for me and making sure my back is clothed. Thank you for being strong  when i couldn’t be strong for myself. Thank you for praying for me always. Thank you for being the best mother anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for being there when i needed you. I could never be able to thank you enough. You are an angel and i love you amai

WHY ARE YOU AFRAID TO FEEL?

Does it help when you decide not to feel? I  have been talking about this all week due to some fucked up situation i was in. I find it funny that the more you try to bottle your feelings, the more you will go fucking crazy.
What is the point? To avoid getting hurt? Life is full of pain anyway so what you need to do is learn to adapt. Apparently catching feelings is wack and it means that you are weak. That’s bullshit and you all know it.  A lot of people that choose not to have feelings are actually really nice people that have been screwed over.

Let me tell you, I was grieving for such a long time and didn’t allow myself to feel and because people around me, kept telling me how strong i was and that time will heal. I gave myself a time frame instead of dealing with my pain and didn’t help , i told myself that within -5 months i will be good and I will be ready to face the world, I was wrong. I should have allowed myself to feel the greatest pain that was going to break me THEN make me. Pain consumed me to a point where i started thinking that there was something wrong with me.

I wish you could all realise that feelings are a part of you , that’s what makes us human. Why would you prison yourself? Why? Is to avoid getting hurt?  I understand that people are afraid to feel and open up mostly due to past experiences and It makes complete sense. People are not nice to each other and i personally think that’s where the disconnection is.

If you choose not to feel you will adapt that ‘ i don’t care’ attitude. You will stop considering other people’s feelings and your actions or words might hurt someone. If people were nicer and kind to one another, people won’t be hurting so much and be more open about how they feel. Some people will even deny that they have feelings for someone, ugh! that’s absurd.
I realised that my current generation is selfish , which is okay to a certain extend but we shouldn’t see feelings as a plague.
My question is , are you really afraid to feel or it’s the thought of having emotions that freaks you out? Are you afraid that you will lose control?

THE ONE

I never write about love, i always feel like i am not good at expressing my thoughts about this thing called love. What if we wake up one day and realise that love is a mental illness? crazy right? I know..

Well, i met a boy years ago. So gorgeous. He was gentle, caring and i saw myself in him and  he was everything i wanted. No, he was everything i needed. Gosh, it took me a long time to get it on with this boy. Man thought i was playing hard to get, me….me on the other hand i was feeling him. I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. We talked and talked for hours and it felt like we had known each other for ages. It was amazing.

I got used to him and everything about him and his flaws didn’t mean anything to me. I loved that boy. See, what’s really annoying and what puts a thorn on my heart and mind is, i will never know if he was ‘The One’ for me. Have you ever met someone and feel like they are ‘The One’ and feel like you could never be with any other person besides them? But what if she/he was not meant to stay forever? What if you convinced yourself that they are ‘The One’ when they were not, just what if? Are you thinking about it?…. Yeah well, don’t go crazy while you are at it..😂

Back to this boy…. if he was love,love found me. If he was peace, peace found me. If he was happiness, happiness found me. He made me feel. He made me feel things…things i never thought i would feel. I wanted to love him for a long time.

A part of me keeps wondering if he was ‘The One’, who do i ask? How do i get the answers? I don’t know what love is, but if that wasn’t love , then i am pretty sure i at least came close to it and at that time he was The One…

He made me feel….

THIS LIFE THING

How mean is life? Does anyone know?

I think life is exactly how it’s supposed to be. You are going to make friends and they will come and go, that’s life. You are going to love someone and they are going to leave, that’s life. You are going to fall in love with someone and they prolly will never feel the same way, that’s life. It’s never going to change but as people we learn to adapt and accept. I know for sure that hard times never last. Why do you think the sun shines bright and give life to all creatures after a storm? Even nature would be depressing. My mother always tells me that God is not blind and I would always look at her and in my head I start questioning ‘well then, why did that happen, why is life full of pain?’

I recently became obsessed with the phrase ‘GOD BLESSED THE BROKEN ROAD’ I don’t need to explain it, because you already know what I mean. Fam, God will not give you something you are not ready for and we may never understand why but I think the circle of happiness is something we will never understand. I mean, you go through something that changes your perspective on life and everything that comes with it, you get drowned in sorrow, and pain consumes you so bad you start thinking the storm will never end. You start believing that being happy never last so you trigger yourself in and out of sorrow…..man! You start thinking that there is something wrong with you. You start going fucking crazyand feel miserable. You lose your faith and your whole world feels like its falling apart.

I felt like that for a very long time, until the day I decided to deal with my pain and accept that everything is meant to be, because let’s be honest no one would have done that for me. Yes, people who cared were there for me but I needed to deal with it on my own. Although so many times I felt like it would’ve been so much better if I can actually sit down with God over a cup of rooibos with honey and have him answer my questions.

But I realise that we question God a lot of things and we are turning every stone looking for answers and we end up in situations that are even harder to deal with. So, what if….what if everything is exactly how it’s supposed to be? Do you really think everything is random?…. Think about it.

xxx

THE ARTISTIC CIRCLE OF: PHVRVOH

The Lens Blur.

PHVRVOH, also known as Kuda Mkudu, has a lot of friends who do artistic stuff. He’s managed to link up with a number of talents, especially in the Zim Hip Hop scene, and we’ll be sharing some of his work, and their own right here on Lens Blur.

I know Kuda Mkudu personally. he writes stuff, poetry, prose, raps. He’s a computer geek and a great dad, and he’s moody. Great recipe for a rapper then! We’ve actually done one or two songs together which turned out quite well. Now, when Kuda agreed to let me post his and his team’s stuff on here, the hardest part was getting him to tell me about him in his own words. I’m a convincing guy though, so I managed to get this:

“Pharaoh is not just a name signifying a king. This world is about greed you have to want everything and…

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THOUGHTS….

Life, I still find it beautiful despite everything that has happened. It is also very scary to know that we don’t exactly know our D.O.D.

Do you sometimes think if the dead can hear us or see us or among us in spirit. Is there life after death? Do we get to meet our loved ones that have passed away?Where ever they are, are they okay? Are they warm? Are they happy? Are they really Resting in Peace? I guess these are some of the questions we will never know.

It’s been weeks since I lost a loved one and I can’t help but think what God has planned for me. He says that he has plans to prosper me and not harm me. I believe that, but where do I stand with God right now? I DON’T KNOW.

Diary Entry…

It’s really hard to deal with the fact that someone so close to you is not around anymore. Death has no shame and we keep asking God -Why? Who are we to ask the almighty? After feeling like something has been ripped out of my heart I got strength to take a trip home to see things for myself. I needed to, it was harsh but at the same time it was a step I needed to take. I used to be so excited visiting home because I would be seeing my person who knew that one day I would be visiting home to put flowers on his grave. The reality of the situation sucks but again I have to face it. I still think about him, I sometimes laugh at some of our crazy moments we had. I do think about what could have been still happening…I miss him and the person that he was.

May Your Soul Rest In Peace♡